If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
