There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
