I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize