drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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