I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
