how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
