You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
