I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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