I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
