Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
