i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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