i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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