Where are you?
In a non slutty way
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
