she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
