The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
pray to the hookup gods
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
