totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
