1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
