we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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