you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize