we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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