I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
