my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
