"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize