we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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