my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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