I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Randomize