Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
