i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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