I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
