meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
