FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
