the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
