look no pants
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
