I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize