my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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