Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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