Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
