I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize