his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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