I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Randomize
