Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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