I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
