I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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