My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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