I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
