Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
my poor anus
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
