Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
