Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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