i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
