made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
