how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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