: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
