i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
