see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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