you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
