I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
