Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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